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Internet columnist Joe Lavin takes a
humorous look at the new European
currency.
Courtesy
joelavin.com
INTRODUCING EUROPE'S HOT NEW CURRENCY
-- THE EURO, the currency so convenient that
it doesn't actually exist yet. Are you sick of
lugging all your money around? Well then,
try the Euro out. You'll never get weighed
down by cash again.
Yes, there's a brand new currency in
town, and aside from the fact that Euro notes
won't be released until 2002, the Euro is tres
chic. On January 1st, eleven nations of
Europe (including France, Germany, and
Italy) combined their individual currencies
into the Euro. By 2002, Francs,
Deutschmarks, Lire, and others will all be
replaced entirely by it. This is exciting news.
Well, actually it really isn't, but, hey, nothing
else interesting happened this week that I
can write about, so play along with me here.
Okay?
You can't even hold a Euro in your
hand for three more years, but beginning this
week Europeans can pay with it by using a
credit card. And if you want, you can transfer
all your money into Euros. Yes, we have
reached the point where it's possible to use
a currency that has absolutely no coins or
bills. Somehow, this is not comforting,
although it shouldn't really matter. After all,
this is the era of computers. Who cares if
the Euro itself doesn't exist? Hell, after
paying all our Christmas credit card bills, it's
not as if the dollar will really seem to exist
for most of us this month.
Still, I just don't get the whole
concept. You can trade in Euros. You can
spend it on non-cash purchases. But if you
would like to fondle your money, you cannot
actually do that until 2002. It sounds like
some elaborate practical joke to me.
"Hey, Pierre, guess what! This
American guy just gave me $10,000 for a
bunch of Euros!"
"Helmut, dude, we're rich! Are you
sure he didn't want any Euros now?"
"No, I just gave him this piece of
paper that said he owned 11,000 Euros. I
told him we won't have any until 2002."
"And he just gave you the money! Ha!
Ha! What an idiot!"
I can't wait to see the headlines in
2002: "Due to unforeseeable problems, the
release of the Euro note has been delayed
indefinitely." Or perhaps the Europeans are
banking on the Year 2000 computer problem
to help them out. "Hmmn, 11,000 Euros, you
say? I don't see that here in my computer.
Sorry. . . . Gee, maybe you should have
gotten that in cash."
Okay, maybe I'm being paranoid, but
what do you expect? I'm American. We dig
conspiracies, and in this country I don't think
we would stand for such a currency. We
would at least demand some form of cash.
With no cash how could Americans (other
Americans, not me) possibly be expected to
underreport their incomes on their tax
returns? And let's face it. We're not really
good at undergoing change either. You saw
how we handled the metric system, and
most of us are still griping about the new
twenty-dollar bill (which for the record does
look sort of dumb). Converting to another
currency would be out of the question for us.
Despite my worries, I'm sure the Euro
is completely legit. In fact, the world's first
imaginary currency is poised to offer a real
challenge to the worldwide hegemony of the
U.S. dollar. Maybe I shouldn't be so
skeptical. If we all just believe in the Euro,
maybe it will become real. And besides,
what do I really know about all this? I'm just
a humor columnist with a limited grasp of
economics. "Hey, let see what Lavin thinks
about the Euro" is not a phrase that has ever
been uttered by any economist anywhere.
Alan Greenspan is more likely to host
"America's Funniest Home Videos" than an
economist is to ask me about the Euro.
Still, I do know one thing. If someone
ever tries to pay me in an imaginary
currency, I'm not falling for it.
Joe Lavin's Humor Column is published
every Tuesday at: http://joelavin.com
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